What's it going to be then, eh?

I've been out of the game awhile - dropped the ball while Teddy was visiting Chucktown, have the excuse of a lack of a decent internet connection, and I'm still a week away from having a reliable one. So I have to make this count...

Scenes from the Yankees Front Office
BOSS: Cash, what is this? Giambi's talking to Mitchell? Didn't we void his contract two years ago?

CASH: Well, we were trying to, Boss, but then he started hitting again, and, well...

BOSS: And, well, nothing! Remember back in the '02-'03 offseason when I told you to sign Ortiz? Okay, maybe I didn't say that until after the Sox signed him and he put up MVP numbers, but dammit, I said it, didn't I?

GENE MICHAEL: Yeah, Boss - you sure did!

BOSS: Thanks, Stick.

CASH: Yeah, but at the time it didn't make sense - I mean, we had Giambi, Nick Johnson -

BOSS: Listen, Cash - remember how you started working for me? You know, cleaning out my horse stables? You wanna go back to that?

CASH: No, Boss.

BOSS: Good, I wouldn't want to have Stick here sucker-punch you.

MICHAEL: Always ready and willing, Boss! BOSS: And I appreciate that, Stick.

(Enter JOE TORRE)

TORRE: Hey, uh... I was just wondering... is there any particular reason that my office has been cleaned out and Joe Girardi is sitting behind my desk right now?

CASH: What?! I thought Joe's job was safe!

BOSS: Listen, Joe - you did a great job with Scott Brosius, Tino Martinez, and Paul O'Neil - but you can't get it done with A-Rod, Giambi, and Abreu? It's not me, Joe - it's you. Listen, I could have replaced you with a guy I'm deeply in love with- like Ron Guidry or Don Mattingly, or a guy who has already run a Hall of Fame third baseman out of town, like Larry Bowa, or even a wife-swapper like Tony Pena or what's-his-name, the Nutty Professor?

MICHAEL: Joe Kerrigan, Boss.

BOSS: Yeah, Kerrigan, that's right. But listen, Joe - I wanted to do right by you, not hire a guy who was already on your staff. Besides - Joe Giradi is a Don Zimmer guy - Zim was always the brains behind the operation.

TORRE: Uh, Zim had two steel plates in his head, Boss.

BOSS: Exactly! And what does it say about you that you needed to rely on him?

TORRE: But... I had prostate cancer.

BOSS: Yeah, and Lou Gehrig had Lou Gehrig's disease - you never heard him use that as an excuse, did you?

(Exit TORRE)

CASH: I don't know that that was the right thing to do, Boss.

BOSS: The right thing to do? Was trading for Corey Lidle the right thing to do?

CASH: He died in a plane accident, Boss.

BOSS: Yeah, right - just like my making illegal campaign contributions to the Nixon campaign was an accident. Tell it to the judge.

(Enter SCOTT BORAS)

BORAS: So you know that A-Rod has an opt-out clause that can make him a free agent this off-season, right?

BOSS: I don't care about that! Let Anaheim pay him $30 million a year! I'll pay Joe Crede $40 million a year!

BORAS: Well... since they're both my clients, I'll call that a win-win. Good talking to you, Boss.

(Exit BORAS)

BOSS: See, Cash - that's how you deal with agents.

CASH: I don't know that that's the best -

BOSS: Listen, Cash - I gave you full rein of the organization. My boys in Tampa are sitting around playing Yahtzee! right now - do you really want me to put them back in charge?

CASH: No.

BOSS: Well, good. Now about this thing Torre's doing - on his way to the unemployment line, that is...

CASH: What's that, Boss?

BOSS: Using Pettite and Clemens in relief.

CASH: Oh, well, that's actually kind of innovative - I mean, when he uses those guys in relief, they're scheduled to pitch bullpen sessions anyway.

BOSS: Listen, Cash - if I wanted your sabermatretical, hippy-dippy, free love, sunshine-lollipops-and-rainbows philosophy, I'd be smoking dope with Luis Tiant circa the late '70s. What I want to know is this - why aren't we doing this sort of thing more often?

CASH: Well... I think it's kind of backfiring on us - I mean, Pettite only lasted 1 2/3 innings today - he gave up 9 hits, 8 runs (7 earned), struck out 1, and gave up two homers.

BOSS: Why did we sign him back from Houston, then? There you were, saying - we gotta sign Pettite, we gotta sign Pettite - and this is what he gives us?

CASH: Well, Boss, factually -

BOSS: Hey! If I was interested in facts, I'd read the New York Post. And what's up with our outfield?

CASH: Well, that is a bit of a sore spot - I mean, Damon has to DH, Abreu and Matsui are struggling, and Melky Cabrera is... well, Melky Cabrera.

BOSS: All right, Cash - I'll let you off the hook on this one. It's time for me to take control of player acquisition again anyway.

CASH: I- uh... well, who did you have in mind?

BOSS: Let me read you a message - I received it over that hippy Al Gore's new age invention - I believe you young people call it "electronic mail".

MICHAEL: What's the message, Boss?

BOSS: I'll tell you. It reads something like this: "Put Rickey in. Rickey's ready to play."

I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want

If it wasn't for the Spice Girls getting back together, and the unintentional hilarity that's sure to ensue, I wouldn't have anything to get excited about this week.

After a nice recovery in interleague play (7-2 against the Giants, Braves, and Padres), the Red Sox promptly allowed themselves to be swept by the surprising Mariners. How a team that continues to pay American dollars to Richie Sexson and Adrian Beltre could ever sweep a series against anyone ever is beyond me, but that's just what they did.

The Red Sox bats have thus far continued to broadcast the Sounds of Silence against the Rangers. Julian Tavarez pitched the game of his life today, and Josh Beckett pitched better than his sudden case of "one bad inning" syndrome indicated, but now the Sox are left with nothing more to hope for than a series split when Kason "Don't Call it Desperation" Gabbard takes the mound tomorrow evening.

Despite the recent trend of, y'know, not being able to win baseball games, there are some interesting things to highlight on the Red Sox side.

Manny Delcarmen

Ever since I was a Camp Counselor at Camp Ponkawisset with one of his High School teammates back in the summer of '02, I've been big on Manny D. He's gone through Tommy John surgery since then, and was up and down last year for the Sox, but thus far this year, he's been the pitcher that Mike Timlin still believes himself to be - a more than reliable middle reliever, and a decent setup option.

Julio Lugo/Alex Cora

Lugo has to look up at the Mendoza line right now, and Cora, though no longer hitting .400+, has been a more reliable option on both sides of the ball than Lugo. It doesn't help that Lugo was recently contacted by Jose Offerman about starting a Support Group for Overpaid/Underperforming Free Agent Red Sox middle infielders.

Coco Crisp/Jacoy Ellsbury

Apparently, Coco has hurt his finger. Again. Last year this was quickly followed by kidney stones. I’m sure neither Coco nor I would like to see that again. I was hoping that Ellsbury’s ascension to the bigs would be delayed until at least next year, but I admire the aggressiveness on the part of the Red Sox – with Cora and Ellsbury out there, they’re trying to put the best possible team on the field – as opposed to fielding a team with Coco and Lugo.

Echoes of a Curse

I’ve certainly made disparaging remarks about the Yankees this season, but with the Sox sub-par play and despite their current 11-game lead in the AL East, I’m not quite ready to call the patient. After all, the Sox had a 14-game lead on the Yankees as of July 4th in ’78, and we all Bucky F-ing Dent know how that turned out.